Saturday, July 9, 2011

Intensive Reading Blog Question (Chapter 2): Lim Hao Yang

How comfortable are you with yourself & how do ensure you do not hurt yourself?
I am not very comfortable with myself—my looks, my attitude, my behaviour, my grades… And the list goes on. Well, I have to admit that I am not perfect. I do dream about being better, at least enough for me to be satisfied. But it never seems to happen, my expectations are just too high.

I have seldom been able to set reasonable expectations, I make myself feel bad. Although I know this, I have never been able to change these aspects of myself. I change my handwriting faster than the way I talk to others.

One of my expectations is to be known—not popular, just known. How? By standing out (in what I deem as good). But I would also like to fit in (by ridding my flaws).

Now I see some changes in myself. I care slightly less about being known and fitting in. But somehow, I have become very aware of my appearance when I am not alone. I feel the need to check myself in the mirror every few seconds. I guess one has to sacrifice something for another—in this case, it is the comfort I have about myself out there.

I realised I need not fit in to be happy, I need to be alone in the comfort of my own home, and the companion of my interests. I derive my happiness from the only thing that screams “me”. It is this loneliness that keeps me going, this heartlessness that keeps me positive. I do not hurt myself because I taste freedom when I am lonely.

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